Bleeding from love

Sometimes we have to let go of what is killing us, even if it is killing us to let go.

Are you going to ignore me all day?

I’m more sad than angry. Being angry is exhausting, I discover. It drains me, each and every dagger I throw your way slicing into my own heart. All I want is a word, an acknowledgement of ‘us’ but you refuse to give me that, your silence cutting in more deeply than words ever could.

I look at you, my gaze hopeful, but you refuse to meet my eyes.

Sit with me”, you say gruffly, turning away without waiting for a reply.

It’s an olive branch and I desperately grasp for it.


Following you into your room, I snuggle into the couch, waiting for you to say something. You don’t. You type away at your desk, lips pursed, but the silence is comfortable so I let it go.

And yet, there is a simmering tension in the air, a warning of the chaos below this façade of peace.

I hate it. I hate that there’s this wall between us, that we’ve lost that closeness we once shared. The trust that I broke.

Tears prick my eyes.

There is the heady scent of the past in the air, the intimacy of shared memories. Of those days when we would sit late into the night, talking about everything and nothing at the same time, time flying past us, not a care in the world.

I want that trust back, I want to see the glint of love in your eyes, the respect, the endearing affection, the bear hugs, the late-night talks, our tears mixing together until we no longer know who’s comforting who, the sound of our mingling laughter, I miss it.

I miss everything but what you ask for in return is too much.

And every day, the guilt cuts into me until I feel like my heart is bleeding from thousands of paper cuts and I long for the day when I will no longer feel the pain.

I look at you again, taking in the sight of your tightened jaw, your clenched fist, the bitter glint in your eyes. I can handle your anger, your shouts, but this quiet disappointment is too much for me.

I have to take the first step forward before everything we once had is completely shattered beyond recovery.

I have to open up, let myself be vulnerable because that’s what all relationships are about isn’t it? Being vulnerable and accepting the other person for who they are.

So I decide I’ll tell you.

I imagine I’ll tell you and you’ll be proud, and you’ll understand like you always did. You’ll smile at me and press your lips to my forehead, and everything will be alright. It has to.

I have to tell you something

My voice comes out shaky, betraying the nervousness at laying myself out open like this.

You nod absent-mindedly, and I quell the rush of anger at your apathy. This is not the time to let my emotions loose.

One deep breath. And another one.

It’s important.

You shift in your chair and stare deep into my eyes and shivers run down my spine at the unmistakable hatred in them.

Everything about you is always important, isn’t it.” you drawl, the bitterness in your voice shining through.

It’s always about you. Always. Have you ever thought even once about the people around you? Have you ever thought about me? About how what you did affected me?

A knife twists inside my gut and I think I’ve stopped breathing. My vision swims and black spots dance at the corner of my eyes.

Is this what you think of me? Is this what everyone thinks of me when I tell them about the venture?

No. You didn’t, ” you smirk, apparently satisfied with my reaction, cruelty glinting in your eyes.

You mutter something that sounds like ‘selfish brat’ underneath your breath as you turn around and I’ve had enough.

Tears pool in my eyes, slowly sliding down my cheeks and I make no effort to hide them. I’m done being ashamed, I’m done being embarrassed, I’m done putting up with you and your ability to hurt me so much.

I get up, drawing in a shaky breath, and walk to the door, hating how my hand trembles. I open the door and turn back to glance at you one last time.

“I won’t lay down my dreams for you. I’m not going to give up what I want just so you can be happy. And if that’s being selfish, I’m okay with that.”

My voice is small but surprisingly steady and I slam the door behind me as I leave. When I’m in the privacy of my room, I curl up into a fetal position on the floor and let the tears fall, dry heaving onto the cold, white tiles.


You’ll be back, I know.

You’ll come in tomorrow with your sweet lies and honeyed promises and I’ll give in, like I always do.

You’ll pretend none of this ever happened and I won’t be able to resist you, resist the man you once were to me. A man who doesn’t exist anymore.

And one day, I’ll give in completely. I’ll give up my dreams for you in hopes of the approval I hate to crave. The approval that’ll never come.

And I’ll lose everything I’m holding back, I’ll become a shell of the person I am, a mere shadow of you.

But today, I resisted. Today, I spoke up. Today, I said the things I’ve always thought but never dared to voice.

And I’ll pay for it, with the stifling silence and the harrowing guilt. But now, I’ll smile through these tears; I’ll smile because every small victory counts.

I’ll let myself hope that one day; you’ll see what I see in myself.

That one day you’ll approve of me.

That one day, you’ll love me the way I love you.

A single tear slides down my cheek as I close my eyes shut.

 

 

 

 

 

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92 thoughts on “Bleeding from love

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  1. Perhaps pain begets beautiful art, this article was sorrowful yet wonderfully well written. Yet, something is unclear to me, are you the victim or the perpetrator.

    Like

    1. Thank you… you have no idea how much that means to me ❤
      I believe that powerful emotions lead to powerful art and pain is no different.

      In the piece, I was the 'victim' and the second-person "you" was the perpetrator.

      The piece was inspired by a real-life incident…
      In the society that I came from, women weren't really encouraged to go out into the world; it was a stay at home and have children situation. Anything that involved being noticed was looked down upon and discouraged. It was thought of as a disgrace to the family.
      Nothing they said or did was really taken seriously.
      I'm afraid we were just a little behind on the feminist revolution. 😦

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I see, I hope that you are in a better place now.And if your dream was about writing I think you are on the right track.

        Your text was powerful, it’s been a long time that I hadn’t been touched by something like that. Cheers

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful post, and I hope that you don’t give up on your dream or dreams whatever they may be and may become. I have to know…do you take the photos as well? If not where do you find them, they fit your words so well I assume that you take them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, that really means a lot to me ❤
      And no, unfortunately, I'm nowhere near as good with a camera as I am with words… it's partly why I write; because if I can't capture my life in pictures, I might as well do it in stories
      I take my photos from Unsplash… you should check it out, the pictures are absolutely beautiful. I wish I could credit them on my site but WordPress doesn't allow you to credit featured images.
      From now on, maybe I'll just include it in the bottom of the piece
      Let me know how it goes

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this and I hate this because it feels so real to me. I have lived this/ am living this and I am sorry if you are too. Love should be so easy, talking should be bonding and therapeutic and should make you closer. But to dish out guilt and pain and purposeful hurt is a terrible thing to do to another person. I hope I have never done this to anyone….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you took the time to read and share your story with the world…
      You’re right, it shouldn’t be but ironically, it’s the people you love the most who have the power to hurt you the most.
      And strong love enkindles strong hatred.
      It’s terrifying that we may have been the villain in someone else’s story without realizing it and I sincerely hope that I’ve never been in that place and if I have, they find their peace.
      Thank you again ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! ❤
      Well, I guess you can't choose who you give a piece of your soul to, so unfortunately, there's nothing you can learn from experiences like these except mistrust and the agony of heartbreak; both not very useful.
      I find that writing about it is therapeutic though so here I am…

      Like

      1. I guess you can’t learn a lesson from it but you can grow from it. Growth is always the desirable and often rewarding end. And tons of wisdom, a lot of peace comes from that
        But it’s not without it’s hard work or time. For now, you just express yourself and from there, you will have insights.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There is always that…
        The only good thing that really comes out of it is the ultimate overhaul of your life where you start to question everything about yourself… and hopefully, one day you will find the person you are in this blinding darkness. ❤

        Like

  4. This….so many of these feelings I have had myself. Walls up…misunderstandings….not being good enough.
    You have written something so very painful so very beautifully.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much ❤
      Comments like these mean more to me than you could ever imagine.
      I'm sorry you've had to go through such an agonizing experience yourself… no one should be put through the pain of heartbreak and betrayal from the ones you trusted the most.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can imagine what these comments mean to you. As a writer, just one person enjoying one of my stories is better to me than any amount of dollars I can make.
        I followed so I can check out a lot more of your stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Heartbreak is unfortunately an affliction all of us are all too familiar with. But pain is what brings us together so in a way, I am grateful for it and this sense of community it has allowed me to experience.
      I am truly sorry you ever had to go through something so agonizing. I find that writing is the only thing which helped me gain a sense of perspective and a certain detachment from that part of my life.

      Thank you for the kind words, it really means a lot to me.
      I hope you find your peace ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re absolutely right…
      But when you love someone as much as you love yourself, your dreams tend to merge with theirs until you can’t really see them apart… it was toxic but you don’t realize it in the moment, do you?
      Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. It really means a lot to me, Kaddie! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Your piece here overwhelmed my heart as I read it. I pray you have found peace and are being able to pursue your dreams. Never let anyone keep you from that, no matter how close to them you are. If someone truly loves you, they will encourage your dream and even help you pursue them. If those dreams don’t fit where the two of you are, sometimes, they have to be held off for a while, but true love grieves together the loss of a dream. Praying you are able to follow those dreams and one day find that true love as well. 💗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words; you can’t imagine how much they mean to me ❤

      The support and encouragement I've received here almost makes me think that all those years were worth it because I would have never found this community without them…

      Everything you've said is so true and I can only wish I had realized it sooner. But everything happens for a reason and no matter how terrible an experience, I have come out of it a stronger, wiser person and have found this amazing group of people who understand me.
      I don't regret a second. ❤
      So thank you for that…

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey, Natalie! I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Leibster Award! You totally deserve this and this is my way of thanking you for the support and encouragement you have shown me on here. There’s no pressure to participate, but if you decide to do it, you can check out the rules here:
    https://couchtalkwisdom.wordpress.com/2018/05/31/the-liebster-award/

    Congratulations! Hope you’re doing well! 😊💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Manessah!
      That really means a lot to me ❤

      I'm definitely up for it though this will be a new experience for me… I don't usually share much about myself online; I'm sort of a private person but I want to try something out of my comfort zone so I'm going for this

      I feel like the people I've met on this platform are just so much more dear to me than the people I talk to face-to-face… sort of sad but I'm so grateful for you and the other bloggers I've got to meet and talk to.
      It's been such a wonderful experience; one that I'll definitely cherish forever ❤

      I'll never be able to thank you enough for all of this ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re very welcome, Natalie! ❤️ Like I said, you have a beautiful blog full of valuable gems that can help so many people and I am one of those people. You are not alone on the whole ‘feeling more connected with people in the online world than those we talk to face to face’ thing. 😄 I often feel like people here online get me more than people who know me. I’m very grateful to have met you and I know, as your blog grows, you will touch many more lives. 😊

        I hope you have a wonderful day/night! Have fun coming out that comfort zone! I don’t usually get personal online, either, but I have to admit that participating in this award was kind of exhilarating! haha! 😄

        Liked by 1 person

  7. So many of us have endured these scenes. 💞 Stepping away from the abuse is so difficult, but possible. I wish relationships were simpler, kinder, true. I felt the struggles and in the end the remaining captive of it all. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true…
      Sometimes you wonder whether you’ll ever be the same again afterwards, whether that person you were is dead.
      I’m so glad my piece resonated with you and I really hope survivors will know that they’re not alone in these experiences.
      Thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts! ❤
      It really means a lot to me…

      Like

    1. OMG Thank you so much! ❤
      Coincidentally, I just got nominated by another blogger and was typing out my post…
      But what I will do is include a link to your blog and answer your questions!
      You truly deserve the award, Saket, and I'm so glad your blog is getting the attention it deserves…
      It means a lot to me that you think my blog is worthy of it.

      Wishing you only the best for all your days to come ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow! I enjoyed reading your post. I can definitely relate. Letting go is so hard when its something or someone that we love. We try to fix this and fix that and even fix the person that we feel needs fixing! We are worthy of love, we are worthy to be respected and we have a voice, no longer should we be silent when all we want is to be heard and loved. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I felt every emotion and it hurt. The scene played in my head and it was such a clear picture. You write very well, Natalie. Thank for sharing your gift ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Wow this is so beautifully penned out, all emotions raw and real.

    I traded in my front row sits when it comes to love.
    Now, I am just an occasional heckler to the fuss called love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a unique analogy; maybe its just me but I’ve never quite heard it put that way.
      I agree… I only wish I’d realized it sooner.

      Thank you so much for your kind words and the virtual hug… they really mean a lot to me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. True… often, our minds see the truth before our hearts do, but we can’t bring ourselves to give up the comfort of the things we know and once loved.
      It’s that one step outside your comfort zone which is the hardest, but procrastinating often just leads to more heartbreak and pain.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! ❤
      Well, I feel like happiness is like a wave; it comes and goes and you have absolutely no control over it. You cherish it when its there and mourn its absence when it recedes. At least for me, it's like that. Hopefully, the wave will advance again soon! Until then…

      Liked by 1 person

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