Monsters under the bed

Daddy? There are monsters under my bed.

My shaking finger points towards the black shapes in the shadows, my other hand clutched tight to my father’s arm. My dark-brown eyes are wide with fear.

He smiles at me gently and then walks to the crime scene, pulling me along.

Ignoring my silent protest, he crouches near the bed, putting his hand around my shoulder as he shines a light into the darkness.

See, sweetheart? No monsters. It’s all in your head.”

He taps the flashlight on the side of my head gently as he gets up, chuckling. I nod, my eyes still wide.

Good night, sweetheart.

I shuffle onto the mattress, pulling my blanket over me and smile tentatively as he sits down beside me, comforting me with his presence as he sings me to sleep.

I closed my eyes, trusting him to keep me safe.

Now, daddy, you’re not here. And the monsters are back.

Sometimes, I think they never really went away. Only slunk into the darkness, ready to pounce while my eyes were closed.

The monsters under my bed were powerless.

Easy to destroy.

Easy to hate.

They kept to the shadows and fed on my fear. With you beside me, they had nothing to feed on.

The monsters in my head: they are you, they are me, they are the people I loved and trusted the most.

I couldn’t hate them any more than I hate you and that’s what they prey on.

The pound in my head, demanding to be let out; to let their darkness cruise through my veins and find its expression in my life.

I’m merely a puppet waiting for their signal, and they hold all the strings.

But without them, I fear I’ll become as lifeless as the ragdoll slumped against the wooden backdrop.

I am weak.

I let them in and they feed on my shame.

I let them, because I am too weak to tell them to leave. I am too weak to fight back.

At least that’s what I’ve convinced myself of. But the truth isn’t as forgiving.

In truth, I crave the pain, the agony of their fiery tongues landing like whiplashes on my broken mind.

In truth, I don’t want to be saved this time. I don’t want them to leave.

They are a part of me and they can no more be chased away than I can be wrenched apart from myself.

And in the oddest way, their voices are the only ones I will ever trust.

I’m tired. Oh, so tired.

Of this façade of control, of the futile resistance I try to put up, of every act of defiance.

I want to give in, I crave the rush of surrender.

I can’t seem to think, I don’t want to think.

Maybe I’ll just close my eyes. Just for a second.

The rag doll lives the easy life, doesn’t it?


121 thoughts on “Monsters under the bed

Add yours

  1. Every day in the light is a bonus no matter how painful and the time will come when you realize that there is beauty and love here in the light. Hang tough kitty the branch will hold you.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. You kind of left me hopeless there, I thought you were going to fight back. You have to fight back. Take a deep breath, imagine all the heroes and She-roes around you, pick up your sword – Now attack!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I think, in my opinion, people mistake conflict and chaos as abnormal, wherein I believe it is the normal state. The universe was created in chaos, so instead of trying to fight it, it is our response to the chaos going on around us is which is important.
        I am glad I found your blog. I enjoy reading your posts.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. True… I’ve never really thought about it that way. Thank you for a different perspective.

          I’m so glad my pieces resonate with you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts! ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  3. This post evoked such emotion in me. You’ve written it so beautifully and I can relate to a lot of this. Thank you for this. I really love your writing, it inspires me. ❤
    I look forward to reading more of what you have to say!
    And I wish you so much strength and light in your life, for a way out of the shadows and into a world where you can feel truly happy and able to trust again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts with me… it means more than you can ever imagine ❤
      I'm both glad and saddened that my words resonate with you…
      Thank you for your wishes, I can only hope that day will come soon ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Natalie, you express so poignantly, what I’ve felt myself. But unlike some, I have no desire to leave the darkness…I’m comfortable there, have been all my life. And I don’t see that as a bad thing—to each his own. If you’re unhappy there, if it affects your life negatively, of course you should do your best to escape. But I’m at peace with that part of myself. I embrace it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree… we’re all taught to believe that we should be nothing but sunshine and smiles all the time and it feels wrong to be shrouded by darkness
      But I guess like everything else in your life, it’s a personal choice… thank you for making me realise I have one ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  5. We are all our own monsters. Some of us chose to accept it and come to terms and others choose to deny it and live blindly. The fact is the human mind is more vicious than any creature out there.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow! Very powerful stuff, I particularly liked the line “In truth I don’t want to be saved”, as it resonates deeply somewhere inside of me.

    May well be title of one of my future pieces. Well done you’ve earned yourself a new follower! Sx 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are not weak
    You have become weakened
    Thoughts, darkness and the fear
    Of being alone seem to have deepened
    Their hold on your mind
    Its a tree my sweetheart
    The tree of fear
    All it ever needed was a seed
    That seed, needed one nutrient
    You had lots of it
    And it grew roots, deep spreading roots
    If anything you should know
    This tree of fear
    Grows no leaves, no trunk
    No body and no flowers
    But it does one thing bear
    A fruit
    But oh my brave warrior
    Do not succumb to those monsters
    Who planted that seed, for it isn’t
    Pain that you crave
    It is your own fear that has you slave
    Deep inside I see your light
    The yearning for freedom
    You haven’t given up, your fire still burns
    Yes its a wisp, a small restless flame
    Lost in the winds of your breath
    That you breathe so vehemently in your fear
    It chokes your own warming flame
    Breathe my warrior, breathe
    Do not fear
    I’ll say it again
    Do not fear
    Fuel your fear to drive your will
    File your fear to create that need
    Fuel your will to awaken!
    You do not crave pain brave one
    You crave for freedom
    And freedom is what you shall receive
    Push, push and push through them
    Those monsters under your bed
    That moved in your head
    Can do no harm,
    As long as you don’t lose your charm
    Your charm is you
    Your fierce will power
    Awaken it, it is time
    Awaken and breathe life into your fire
    Let your inner fire
    The fire to live, to grow, to surpass
    Take over you and burn those monsters alive
    Breathe oh great warrior!
    Awaken from your slumber
    Your calling has begun, your need has come

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This was such a beautifully written, empowering poem! ❤
      I was on the verge of tears and believe me, I'm not a crier.
      This comment just made my day. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and write me such a poignant piece… it means more to me than you could ever imagine ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m glad I could make your day Natalie. Your poem itself is a work of art. Its beautiful and its your skill that’s hidden your true self in such plain sight. Beautifully hidden, I must say, nonetheless its a curse being able to read through lines so maybe it was revelation too! And its no problem really, its something that just came to me, and as one poet to another, something I wanted you to know. 😄 Also I hope you didn’t cry, I mean well not in the bad way atleast!

        Liked by 2 people

  8. I think your writing is gorgeous. Keep writing what is and someday you’ll write into what’s next, whats healing, what’s your victory. But always write what is because your truth needs to be felt heard and shared. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. You’re welcome.
        From my experience it is true. Some people never make it, thats true too. It can take a very long time. And it’s always spirals. There’s a sorrow that accompanies every joy. From your writing that I read. You are in it. You are doing the work. It’s okay to sit in it and crawl in it. Can’t wait to read more 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  9. “The monsters in my head: they are you, they are me, they are the people I loved and trusted the most.” There are many ways to interpret this line, and there’s something brutally honest in placing trust with those we love. I enjoy your writing and look forward to catching up and reading more of your posts! 🙂 I enjoy writing prose and poetry as well; I am always excited to stumble across another writer!

    Liked by 3 people

  10. You’re not alone in this. Many of us suffer from the monsters living within ourselves. Some people hide their monsters away, some try to fight them, but if those options don’t work for you then learn to befriend your monsters. Listen to their pain because probably no one has before, and in time they will listen back. Show them you understand and want to help them feel better. Befriend them so that you’re no longer at odds, but instead helping one another to move towards a place where you can share in joy, and not just cause one another misery.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Reading this reminded me of a short story. Stephen King kind of thriller.
    It seems to tell a story of an abused young girl.
    We are hoping that the writing allows her to find a safe way to deal with the harm and heal from all the pain she has experienced.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Hi Natalie,

    Reading the part about your Dad reminded me so much of my own! He did the same thing. Thank God for our Daddies!

    This is a beautiful piece! I know how it feels to live in the shadows. Part of me still lingers there.. I hope you can work through your pain and climb out. Don’t be afraid! There is always Hope 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I love this post and I love the honesty and frankness of it, and yet, I see you still reaching out for light. I keep inviting my loved one to the light and he keeps going back to the darkness because it’s comfortable and easy there… Every now and then, he will join me in the light and things are wonderful, but the darkness always beckons him back. I pray that one day, he will get stuck in the light and the darkness pulls less and less, just like I hope that for you as well…

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’ll be honest with you, I hardly ever read people’s writing unless it’s a book or online but it depends. There’s a few pieces of writing people have shared that I can read with ease. Thank you for sharing this. This was so well written and I could relate to some of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Someone once told me a Native American parable where each person has a battle within— a wolf and a lamb. The young brave asked his father “which one wins?” His father replied “whichever one you feed.” Thank you, too for visiting my blog.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. What a beautiful description of monsters! I have had more of these than I can count, however more and more they left me alone, but am now so thankful for the gift they have given me.

    If nothing you have tried works, try this…sometimes it helps to build your own stepping stone to get across the river.

    Imagine you have your very own Genie that is just assigned to you. Give her a name, visit with her often and get to recognize her every time she visits you with another one of her creations. Imagine that her sole job seems to be to insert monsters of many different forms into your thought stream – all conjuring up fear, doubts, withdrawal etc – whatever steals away your happiness. Your Genie knows you and your weaknesses better than anyone else as she sees everything in your life. Remember, we don’t ask for the thoughts that torment us. You never said to yourself ok now I am going to think I am being attacked by monsters. They seem to come out of no where, but just Imagine for a moment that all the thoughts of monsters in your life have been inserted into your thought stream by your very own Genie. First fear arises in you towards her thoughts. Then you realize the thoughts are not real and yet they keep coming. Then you try fighting them with counter thoughts yet they just seem to get stronger and more clever. Your Genie still hidden is now pushing you hard to a doorstep. Then in frustration you ask where do these thoughts come from. Did you ask for them….If you didn’t ask for them, perhaps they did come from your Genie. But Why!? Perhaps to help us realize our true self is not our thoughts. In the same way fear arises in you but its not you. The real you has the capacity to watch the monsters come and go and watch the fear rise and dissipate without a sense of attachment. Its this powerful beautiful being that silently watches and waits for you to no longer identify with the fear that arises and to simply let the Genie’s harmful thoughts pass as they are simply thoughts that can come and go. It is the Genie that is with you inside the darkened closed flower head that is helping you to burst open and bloom. Befriend her. Recognize her work. Laugh with her at her latest insert. Your Genie is trying to awaken you from the darkness of a “belief in who you are” to who “you really are”. If you drop the beliefs – which run oh so deep, your Genie will step aside and the flower that awaits, as you, will bloom. Once you realize this – your Genie who fed you so many fears will have given you one of the best gifts you will ever receive. Thanks, Love and Peace

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a beautiful thought…
      I simply loved the idea and I’ll definitely keep it in mind ❤
      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share this with me! It means more to me than you could ever imagine, George ❤


  17. The monsters under the bed are weaker than you but they have managed to convince you that they are stronger than you and that ‘if they come out from under the bed life will be bad for you. NOT TRUE, if they come out you will be able to see them and stamp on them!
    You need someone to talk these things through with and call out the monsters with…
    Your daddy couldn’t see the monsters when he looked under the bed because they were too small and they hid away from him. He could not hear them because they only speak to you.
    In theatrical terms what they are doing to you is trermed ‘Gaslighting’ (look it up on the internet), they are making you doubt your sanity…
    Your daddy can still protect you if you find a way to talk to him..and NO, not through a ‘Psychic’
    Remember that, as my daddy taught me,not to worrty because come out that live if the monsters under the bed the tigers on top of the wardrobe will jump down and eat them.
    Tigers are good!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Brilliance here as in other posts Natalie. I love your honesty and clarity in the presence of things that disturb. If all of us had the same level headed-ness, no matter what. LOve the feel of your site. There’s a stash of pain, and so much strength.
    I wrote a post yesterday on Edvard Munch’s famous painting Scream, and would so love your take on what I wrote and the Painting itself. Its intrigued me over the years, and I see there’s so many ways to look at brokenness, there’s wealth in the healing process. We come out like polished arrows, if you will. Anyway, do take a look see, and be great to know how your heart goes on Munch& my little blog. Stay blest

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I really enjoyed the latest version of the film ‘It’, simply for the ending.

    Without really trying to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t watched, we learn just how important it is to face our fears, because when we do so, they are unable to feed on us, an immediately fade away.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Kindred souls whose lives parallel. It’s strange how we all find each other somehow in time / space. Your words could be mine.

    Just, thank you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve felt exactly the same way so many times.
      Odd, isn’t it? To see your thoughts being written down by someone you’ve never met?

      I’m so glad you could experience that here and it really means a lot to me that you took the time to comment. Thank you for that ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I love the vivid and raw emotions in your writing. I’m particularly fond of the line, “The monsters in my head: they are you, they are me, they are the people I loved and trusted the most.” There’s a provocatively painful truth in those words. Sincerely, Brian

    Liked by 1 person

  22. “In truth, I don’t want to be saved this time. I don’t want them to leave.” that one can be so true. there was a pile of crap in my brain for a while that i was not ready to let go, because it was something to hold on to, something that was with me for so long i thought it defined me. it took forever to get rid of it, and i don’t think it is completely gone even now. but it is good to be aware. thank you for that post 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can definitely relate to that… hopefully, I’ll be able to say that someday too
      Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share your thoughts here! It really means a lot ❤


  23. I moved to Colorado last February from Massachusetts. It barely rains here. I mean maybe 5 times in 6 months. Yesterday, for the first time in 54 years, I actually hated–and was sick of–the sun! Then I had an epiphany: wauw, without the rain I stopped appreciating nice weather. Balance in the Universe, for me, continues to make all the difference. Rain/Sun, Cold/Warm, Dark/Light…your light will come again.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I am bipolar and occasionally, like for the last 18 months the darkness overtook me. Chemical? Meta-physical? The result is the same, despondency and the thoughts of giving up. The monsters are winning.

    Liked by 1 person

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